There once was a furry with no respect for women. He made comics about scruffy Tiny Toons raping each other. His art became lazier and lazier. His fans lapped it up and lavished him with money.

Then the economy turned sour. He became so lazy, he hired someone else to ink his even-worse-than-before artwork. His fans stopped lavishing him with money. He became bitter. He began to make self-pitying rants about how he was turning 30 (poor baby).

Eventually even his enablist fans began to gradually notice the dreck he wrote wasn't worth wiping their asses with. They began to critique him. He threw a dramatic hissyfit and hired other people to illustrate his awful rape fantasies. Many of them quit. Yet, he fapped on.

Then, we came along.

NONE OF THIS ARTWORK IS OURS. WE DID NOT EVEN MAKE THE EDITS. WE HAVE ONLY SAVED THEM. ALL ARTWORK IS FROM GOOD OL DAVID HOPKINS. http://www.pholph.com

Oh look, an FAQ.

Oh look, a list of riffs.

18th April 2014

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Tagged: jackkatefurrywebcomicsbad webcomicsdave hopkinsdavid hopkinsparodythose that are dumb

18th April 2014

Question with 1 note

Anonymous asked: I have a hard time believing anyone would hire Hopkins to be a security guard even without knowing his internet background. He just doesn't look like guard material. Maybe I'm judging a book by its cover but this has been bothering me.

There are different kinds of security guards. The type who guard important things need training and physical stature.

The kind who guard warehouses full of newspapers just need a flashlight and a willingness to sit in an empty room for hours on end.

Guess what kind Dave is.

18th April 2014

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Anonymous asked: Dave is trying to raise over a grand for a new xbox. I thought he had medical bills. Which is it Dave.

If he doesn’t play Xbox at least once a day to shout homophobic slurs and bark lewd demands at women he will become physically ill. Xbox is totally a medical expense.

18th April 2014

Question

Anonymous asked: About Jack's "Princess of hell's highlands" story. It looks like the end gag or joke is going to be a bad joke about someone's genitals being attacked or destroyed. Geez. Does his writing have any type of good taste, or creativity, or maturity, at all?

No.

18th April 2014

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Anonymous asked: Having not-Turandot be Vanity's backstory would make perfect sense, knowing what we do about Davey's writing. The suitor is already a standard Hopkins Nice Guy risking his life for love, so obviously Belle The Cold Bitch Princess is going to refuse to fuck him even after he solves the riddles because she's such a vain, selfish bitch. Then Central kills her for not fucking the Nice Guy because, as the ultimate evil a woman can do, she's locked herself into becoming Vanity so she has to die.

That’s not how Turandot goes, but then, we suspect the riff will contain a lot of “That’s not how Turandot goes.”

18th April 2014

Question with 2 notes

Anonymous asked: If I were Dave, I'd have the twist at the end of the arc be that the arc was a performance thrown by Vanity in her section of Hell, with the various souls consigned to her care forced to play the different roles in her backstory. Dave would need to tweak the ending of Turnadot, of course, but since when did Dave ever resist tweaking his source material to make it worse?

By Jove, you’ve made it work.

Which means Hopkins will either directly steal your idea, or completely fail to execute anything close to it.

18th April 2014

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Wrath Rant

Jack is, in theory, an interesting character. The nature of his role and origin story has great potential. Death, the great unknown, is a fascinating and frightening subject for many, especially those of us with a penchant for the morbid, so writing a story about the personification of Death is guaranteed to grab people’s attention. Stories about clones and genetic modification also tend to strike a nerve, particularly with those who believe in God. Cloning brings to mind questions of personal identity, scientific ethics, and the very nature of the soul. In this way making Jack both a clone and the Grim Reaper is sort of a stroke of brilliance. Or at least it could have been, if David had done it on purpose.

On the surface there is a lot to like about Jack. He seems to have risen to power at a relatively young age in a world where he should have been treated as an outsider. He developed a strong following among his own kind, showing that he must have been a charismatic figure. The fact that he’s had three confirmed girlfriends and maintained an active sex life with at least one – all without any sexual organs of his own, not to mention a few major personality flaws – suggests a rabbit with Burt Reynolds levels of charm. Magic fingers too, if you get my drift. (My drift is sexual in nature.)

So we’ve got a suave, cunning fellow with convictions so uncompromising that he is more than willing to kill to uphold them; a vile bunny who uses his intelligence and charisma to amass and manipulate a legion of followers bent on humanity’s destruction, along with any furry who stands in their way. After death he becomes the Grim Reaper and forgets his past life, giving him the opportunity to overcome his personal demons. What could possibly go wrong? Oh, right. He’s being written by Hopkins.

The sad fact is the Jack David delivers probably could not drag himself out of his puddle of self-pity and tears long enough to dry his clothes, let alone be the catalyst for a Planet of the Apes style furry revolution. “Boo-hoo I’m the ghost of dickless furry Hitler woe is me.”  Jack’s personality is not consistent with the kind of person who could pull off a species wide extinction. What, did Sheepgod wipe his personality, too? Then what was the point? If you take away the core of his personality but send him to hell you’re just punishing a new, innocent person. If Jack is merely the product of his environment rather than his inner demons then there is nothing spiritually for him to learn. It is vital that he be the same person.

Jack’s character arc is that anger is bad. I guess that’s fine, but Dave does not seem to grasp that writing a redemption arc requires his main character to struggle with himself. When Jack does get angry (which is shockingly rare) one of three things occurs: 1. Nothing of consequence. 2. He punishes a wicked character or rescues a good one. 3. He actually does something he regrets. The first two happen far too often. I’m not even sure if I should count strangling Farrgo under the third category because she ultimately forgives him. And even though pushing Farrgo away sends her into the arms of another man (and then another woman), Jack seems totally okay with this! He doesn’t even struggle a little to feel happy for her! Where is his jealousy!? Do you think old Jack – the guy who annihilated an entire species because he lost his teenage sweetheart – would stand for this shit?

I think the best thing Dave could do to improve Jack’s story arc would be to give him at least one major regret, something that he did as Wrath that drives home the difficulty of overcoming his sin and makes him realize the necessity of it. Something he cannot simply take back. He tried to do this with Fnar, but the problem is that Fnar ultimately went back to Earth with all memories of his trauma erased. Worse than that, Fnar wasn’t even hurt because of Jack’s anger. More like gross negligence of a minor. I already talked about how the incident with Farrgo ultimately amounted to nothing.

There’s one other thing Dave could have done to, but I’m afraid it’s too late for it because he’s already spent a lot of time establishing how Jack is afraid to express his rage. If Jack had actually thrived on being angry, directing his hatred outward rather than onto himself, then Jack’s struggle would have been much more compelling. Not only is he fighting back his rage, he’s having to realize that focusing only on the negative is harmful to everyone. This would be a hard lesson for him to learn. Not only that, it’s relatable. Many people, especially young people, the people who are most likely to read Jack,  tend to blame others for their problems and react angrily as a defense mechanism to shield themselves from criticism. I suspect Dave hasn’t done this because it would make Jack a much more personal character than he is, even more personal than Drip.  

This is starting to turn into an essay so I’m going to stop here. I’m going to post my timeline to Kate over the weekend so, if the Riffmasters deem it worthy, it will pop up on Monday.

Tagged: submissionssubmission

18th April 2014

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Jack? Is that you?

Another copy of Dave’s “original” character that came out roughly 20 years before the comic: 

18th April 2014

Question

i-am-your-holy-virgin asked: Gotta say...Dave begging for commissions so that he can buy a new Xbox when he can't be bothered to do the arc that his fans paid for, years ago, now, is a new level of low. I really don't understand how or why anyone still fan-follows this guy.

Because they (not so) secretly hate women and love rape. Or, they are completely oblivious to his desire to rape and hurt women and were told to follow him by other artists.

18th April 2014

Question with 1 note

Anonymous asked: "He's teaching others something he calls 'Morthisha'. From my understanding, it involves snipping the flowers off the stems and gaining an appreciation for French and a love of John Astin."

Don’t forget waltzing. To learn Morthisha you absolutely must learn to waltz.